We are all starved for companionship and increasingly isolated, yet somehow more of us who are dating again after divorce, in our 40’s, are finding ourselves in serial dating situations against our will. Why?
The dating landscape is a strange, barren hellscape these days. Don’t take my word for it – ask any of your single friends and they will agree. Dating app conversations that go nowhere. Talking stages that somehow never turn into an actual date. Dates that reveal the person is not who they say they are. And increasingly, 2 – 3 month relationships that ultimately end with the dreaded “I’m not ready for a relationship right now.” Ok, then why are you on dating apps? Why are you wasting people’s time if you know you’re not ready? Why are you wasting everyone’s time instead of working on yourself?
I recently wrote about the horror of dating apps and what they are doing to our collective psyche when it comes to dating and partnering. The paradox of choice. The correlation between psychopathy and people who use dating apps (note – we are not all psycho, but many people who have negative personality traits are thriving within the dating app culture.)
But what if you meet someone you really like and you get alone perfectly? What if that turns into texting, turns into a date. Turns into many dates. And you wake up 3 – 5 months later and realize you’re kind of committed to this person and are starting to see a future with them.
And then you notice they haven’t taken any steps to introduce you to their friends.
And then you notice you’re doing all the relationship things, but no one has defined what the relationship is.
And then you start to wonder if they are as committed as you are.
And then they start saying things like “I’m so glad this is no strings attached.”
And then you start questioning your sanity – because you’ve been going on dates and having dinners and maybe taking trips and having lots of really fun sex but the relationship really hasn’t ever progressed beyond that.
And then you ask “Hey, you mentioned no strings, but we’ve been acting like we’re in a relationship for months now. I’m confused.”
And then they respond, “I’m not really ready for a relationship right now. If you want more and you want to see other people, I don’t mind.”
And then you stop eating for three days and cry your eyes out and have multiple panic attacks because someone you thought cared about you has shown in one conversation that they were actually just using you.
That, my friends, is a situationship. All of the behaviors and benefits of a relationship without any actual commitment.
Guys – if you are leading anyone to believe you are in any form of serious relationship with zero intention of having it progress beyond hanging out and having sex and you didn’t tell them you have no intention of moving the relationship forward – YOU ARE USING PEOPLE FOR YOUR OWN BENEFIT.
I said what I said. Bring flowers; I am dying on this hill.
Yet so many of us in midlife are finding ourselves in exactly the situation above. And it is wrecking our self esteem. It is wrecking our tenuous hope that after divorce we might be able to find love again. It is creating trust issues for our next relationships. And so many of us are just done with dating in general because it seems like so many people are just running around using other people.
I fall into the camp of people who are just done. Done with the apps. Done with the getting-to-know-you, done with putting gentle, tender trust in a man who is just going to hurt me.
If I had a dollar for every time a friend responded to my emotional distress with: “Your picker is bad.” “Why do you keep choosing emotionally unavailable men?” And I sit in shame. I talk ad nauseum about past trauma inflicted on me by men. And I confront the parts of me that somehow have accepted bare minimum as enough. Licking breadcrumbs off the floor because breadcrumbs and dog hair and that plate of crow are better than starving, right? So I blame myself.
Fuck that.
What about all the men who came in strong, showed interest and consistency, who talked about the future, who went on dates, met my family, met my fucking son, and had zero intention of actually committing to me? How is it my fault someone mislead me? How is it my fault he couldn’t even be honest with himself, let alone be honest with me?
If you know that you’re not ready to be in a relationship with another human. If you know you’re not emotionally able to meet another person’s needs, to navigate the complexity of relationship dynamics, of conflict. If you know that you don’t like talking about feelings, have never successfully repaired with a partner after an argument. If every relationship you have had in the last 5 years you ended abruptly when things started to get serious:
Stop dating. Full stop. No apps. No talking. No flirting. No “let’s just see where this goes.” No “Maybe they just weren’t The One, and the next one will be better.” Enough. Stop wasting people’s time while you avoid confronting what inside you is preventing you from accepting the love others are offering.
Death to the situationship. Death to the throwaway mindset. Death to serial dating and friends with benefits and any other form of disordered relationship that causes repeated harm to yourself and others. We need soul connections, we need deep love, real intimacy, emotional safety, trust, and mutual respect.
The real work starts in learning to name your emotions. In unpacking why closeness feels like a threat. In building better emotional vocabulary, and in allowing yourself to be vulnerable, even when you’re scared. In understanding that by refusing to commit to someone who genuinely cares about you, you are ensuring the very thing you hoped to avoid actually happens.
There is enough bad in the world, quit making it worse.
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