I marked my parent’s divorce as the standard for what to do after my own divorce. My mom and stepdad were married within a year of my mom and dad separating. My dad was in a relationship with his second wife, though the timeline and details are foggy, rather quickly after they divorced.
Here I am the month my divorce was final, so hopeful. So ready for love again.
I assumed that within a year of my divorce being final, I would find my forever. It can’t be that hard, right? I just needed to put myself out there, right? Wrong. I started dating way too soon, and then the pandemic happened. I dabbled in online dating. I had a couple of long-term relationships, none of which have panned out for various reasons, leaving me devastated, making it harder for me to trust the next man, and questioning my worth.
And I want to make it clear – I hold no anger or malice toward any of these men. This is not a man bashing blog. Not everyone is going to be right for us, able to show up for us, want what we want at the same time me want it, or capable with being honest about their intentions, and sometimes that means you must walk away. Somehow I have been behaving like if I just keep trying, eventually I will find a man who will have my back and want to stay.
But the dream has been dashed. Reality is much worse than I imagined, and the dating landscape and how 40-somethings view love has fundamentally changed since the last time I was single. And after 6 years of trying, and failing, to find love, I have come to some harsh truths about myself, men, and the world at large.
I’m staying single for now, and here’s why:
My ex-husband gave me PTSD, and I need time to heal.
This is not hyperbole. After his last girlfriend called me from her bathroom at midnight on a weekend my son was with them, telling me my ex was drunk and slamming around the house, threatening to leave with my son, I sat in my therapist’s office shaking, hugging myself, curled into myself like a scared child. My therapist looked me in the eyes and said, “Brindi, this sounds like PTSD. We’re going to change our approach here.” My son was ok, my ex is not allowed to see him until he is in some form of alcohol counseling, recovery, or AA program.
I recounted for her the horrors I experienced. His eyes going black and empty one night, and me not knowing if I was going to survive the night. He never laid a hand on me, but he screamed at me, called me names, slammed doors, drove aggressively, pulled a gun on another driver in front of my face, punched holes in walls. And the last straw – threatening to kill me. In front of our son. These are not small things to have lived with. These are not things you walk away from unscathed. I severely underestimated the lasting impact my marriage would have on me, and I am only just beginning to do the work to heal – six years after walking away from the chaos.
We don’t have to be perfectly healed to be ready for a new relationship, but there are some traumas so deep that they must be addressed before a person is emotionally healthy enough to sustain a new relationship. I am not there yet.
Which brings me to the next reason:
There are too many people in the dating world using sex and relationships for validation instead of doing the work.
“Doing the work.” That is thrown around a lot, and what does that even mean? To me, it means taking a deep and honest inventory of your life, what has hurt you, how your body reacts to stress, what you’re avoiding and why, and what you both need from a partner, and what you have to offer them.
I lost count of how many first, second, and third dates I have been on. How many dating app and text conversations I have had. How many times I got my hopes up that someone was really interesting and had potential….only to find out how many men, probably women too, are rushing into relationships shockingly quickly after their last relationship failed. Guilty as charged, officer.
Because the pain of a breakup is real, deep, and can feel unbearable. Because feeling a pain like that leads most of us to want to escape it. When our egos are bruised, it feels good to have someone validate you. Yes, you are funny, interesting, good looking, desirable.
Because it feels good when someone shows interest in you. Because getting validation from the next person is easier than sitting in the pain of the heartbreak and processing what went wrong.
And what do we do? We carry all that baggage right into the next relationship with us. I can’t tell you how many times I have listened to a man talk about why his last relationship failed and thought, “I would love to get his ex’s side of the story.” Because human nature is to downplay and minimize our flaws, to be on our best behavior, to prove we are worthy of this new person’s time. So we paint pretty pictures and say what we’re supposed to say. And if we haven’t done the work, the new dynamic slowly starts to look like the old dynamic with your ex.
Because people very, very rarely change their ways, regardless who is in front of them. Unless they are in active therapy or have taken some time away from dating to process their behaviors, if they lack emotional intelligence, they are not going to treat a new partner any differently.
And it stings to watch someone you cared about and gave your body and your heart to walk right into the arms of someone else within weeks of breaking up with you. But here’s the kicker:
She didn’t take your man, she took on the problems you had. If he did it to you, he will do it to her. The problems he had with you will be the problems he has with her. And he will continue that pattern with every woman he meets until either word spreads and no one wants him, or he decides he’s finally ready for some therapy.
And my dearest ladies, I am saying this with so much gentleness and love – there is not a single one of us pretty enough, smart enough, successful enough, forgiving enough, loving enough, with big enough tits or ass who can change a man in his 40’s. His behaviors are more than just a habit – they are who he is. He’s not evil, he’s not a monster, he just doesn’t want to do the work. He wants you to love him so he doesn’t have to.
There are a whole lot of people out there pretending to be healed, when really they are just using each other for validation so they don’t have to face the ugly truth of themselves. Which leads me to the final topic:
Online dating is destroying romance and love and our ability to connect and commit to someone.
Online dating gives the impression that there are limitless options, someone for everyone. Scroll through your social media friends list and you’re going to see a shockingly high number of single people. So there are a lot of people who don’t want to commit because they have the impression there is always going to be someone better out there. They run at the first sign of conflict, because “I don’t need the drama” when they are really thinking “I don’t have to deal with this, I’ll just find someone else.”
If I had a dollar for every time I heard –
“Let’s just see where this goes.”
“I’m not looking for anything serious right now.”
“I’m not ready for a relationship.”
“You deserve someone who can give you what you need.”
“Let’s just keep things casual for now.”
I could re-roof my house and install a swimming pool with the amount of times I have heard nonchalance and a refusal to commit roll off the tongues of extremely mediocre men.
And because I have PTSD I am still working through, I don’t have the stomach to weed through this emotionally immature hellscape and maintain my sanity. The last two breakups almost gave me a nervous breakdown because I am not resilient enough to process my own trauma while also having the rug continuously pulled out from under me by emotionally unavailable men who lied about who they are to get access to my body. Who used me for my kindness and caring nature to validate their need to feel seen and loved. Who gave me just enough to keep me while the kept a roster warm on their phone and one foot out the door. And I am done using other people for the validation I need to learn to give myself.
I am doing for myself what a lot of people are afraid to do, what I have avoided doing for 42 years – giving myself the time, love, energy, forgiveness, and support to heal that I’ve been giving away to everyone else.
I’m staying single because it’s my turn to have my needs met, and the only person who can do that for me right now is me. For once, and finally, I am putting myself first so that when the right man comes along I will be able to recognize what “right” means for me.
Universe: Show this girl how good it can get!
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