If I had a dollar for every 40-something woman who made a comment about not being able to lose weight because of perimenopause, menopause, aging, genetics, moon phases, political affiliation or geographic location, I wouldn’t be so hard pressed to grow a blog following.
I’m turning 42 next week. I get it. We have children, bills, careers, stress, and bodies that are changing hormonally. Totally valid. But the messages we are fed, the culture we were raised in, and the very pressing reality that there are as many body types as there are humans on this planet is somehow overshadowed by this idea that to be acceptable as a woman, you must be thin.
Coming of age in the 90’s and early 2000’s…was brutal. Because the world favored heroin-chic. The world favored ultra low cut jeans and flat stomachs and jutting collarbones and thin arms. Because we know that there is a bias that favors thinness, prettyness. I found a study that hypothesized that more attractive women would be seen as less competent than less attractive women. And what they found is exactly the opposite – more attractive women are seen as more competent. The whole study is fascinating, and there are many more out there like it that show we respond more positively to more attractive people. Specifically – the more feminine the woman is percieved to be, the more attractive she appears in the male gaze. Ask a man and they will be shocked. Ask a woman and she will say, “yeah, no shit.”
But the pressure, the bias, the double standards to be a beautiful, fit, healthy presenting woman are crushing to so many of us. Most surprisingly, I know women with flat abs and extreme muscle definition who lament missing even one day in the gym, who pinch at their bellies to show off how much bloat they have. Who slap the fleshy areas of their thighs as proof they need to eat less and work out more. Who stand in their mirrors and absolutely verbally assault every percieved flaw. Because if I don’t have 5% body fat, I am slothful, lazy, lack self control.
Then you hear messages from men commenting on fitness influencer’s posts – too bulky, she looks like a man, gross. Because men are conditioned to value femininity, and our culture favors thin and frail as the standard of femininity. These beautiful, disciplined, hard working women with the most gorgeous rippling muscles training harder than any of these men, and their dedication is met with ridicule, disgust.
And then there are my favorite women (looking at you PCOS influencers) who take the opposite stance – no effort at health, no effort to control weight, no strength training. Just be big and beautiful and eat all the things and don’t worry about moving your body because hormones, amirite? Just give up. You’re in menopause so you’re just meant to be fat, angry, and hot for the rest of your life. Hot take – claiming there is just nothing you can do about something IS lazy.
What we have, then is a standard set for women where no matter what your body type, you are never enough. And somewhere amongst all these mixed messages is a truth that I think needs to be highlighted more:
“A combination of age-related changes, inactivity, and inadequate nutrition conspire to gradually steal bone mass, at the rate of 1% per year after age 40.“
Regardless of what you weigh, regardless of your body composition. We all experience bone loss at increasing rates after the age of 40. Weak bones lead to fractures, which lead to mobility issues, which eventually lead to death. I’m not kidding, ladies. How many of you have a grandparent or know of an elderly person who fell and fractured something and never recovered? Exactly.
If you are over the age of 40, it is imperative that you get in some form of muscle training. Read that again. Muscle. Training. Not weight loss. MUSCLE TRAINING.
And here’s where this blog gets juicy. Because so many people don’t know where to start.
“I need a personal trainer and a gym membership.” No, you can go on YouTube for free split training programs. Get a subscription to Beach Body, Peloton, or a whole host of other fitness apps that give you instructor-led classes. Use dumbbells (affordable at any big box store), resistance bands, or hell, even soup cans will work! There is absolutely no secret to starting the journey except that you must start. There is no crazy piece of equipment you have to wait to be able to afford. If it feels heavy to lift, with proper form, you can train with it. Everything else is a learning experience.
I started during COVID, ran to chase down my son on his bicycle, and LOVED the post-workout endorphine dump. WHich lead to signing up for cycling classes at the YMCA. Which lead to purchasing a Peloton, which lead to exploring their strength and mobility training programs, which lead to me for the first time in my life having defined shoulder, chest, leg, and arm muscles. And the muscle names are fun to say – traps, quads, hammies, glutes, delts. I started with two five pound dumbbells that I thought were going to kill me and have worked my way up to 15 – 30 lb dumbbells.
Am I skinny? Hell no! Do I restrict calories and watch everything I eat? Also hell no!
I live my life, I make sure I make time to work out, and I don’t eat too much of the wrong foods. I also don’t skip meals that I enjoy and I don’t make my whole personality about my weight. I don’t even own a scale. What I do own is clothes that fit better, a metabolism that is more efficient than it has ever been, and when I look in the mirror, I don’t look for thinness or prettyness, I look for strength. And she’s there, pretty eyes, kind heart, sick traps, and a confident smile. And every time I have to increase the weights, this booming sense of pride, this growing confidence wells up within me, because the only one who can show up and do this work for me, is me. My fitness is how I exercise power in my life. My gains, my personal records, my grit in pushing just one more rep…that gets me out of bed every day. By me, for me.
Start small and do it three times a week. When that becomes too easy, increase the weight and do that three times a week. Call me in a year, I want to know all about how you learned through these small steps what a strong badass you have always been!
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