In your 40’s. With baggage and kids. In a digital world where introductions are 200 words or less and a couple of pictures showing your best side in the best lighting. In a million introductions, conversations that feel empty and meaningless, like being on a never ending carousel of cocktail party introductions with people you don’t know but who could also mishandle your heart.
It feels so good to be wanted. To have someone look at you and imagine every possible future with you. To be held and supported and nurtured by a partner. To feel passion, companionship, friendship, butterflies. To know that the burden is shared, however imperfectly, and that the world can be just a bit lighter for having someone there to carry it with you. That at the end of the day someone might be there to talk about it with you.
But I’ve been lost too long and finally decided to jump off the rollercoaster. Tired of being lost in a maze of wyd, what do you do for fun, what brings you to this dating app. How do I describe that I want my soul to feel lit on fire and safe in another’s hands again? That I want my child to see what I look like when I am loved? That I want to have hard conversations that get resolved with love? That I want commitment, to build a forever? That I am terrified of starting over again and again and again? That I am hopeful and hurting, but also so fucking strong and so ready to lift someone else up if they are willing to lift me up too?
I am terrified.
We all are. Pouring our hearts into 200 words or less and hoping someone out there will like our picture enough to read our words, and then swipe whatever direction you’re supposed to swipe, and then take us on a date, and then do the damn thing. Disconnected from the table with an endless menu in front of you.
In my experiecne, there are four distinct types of online dating men. Tl;dr: they will say whatever they need to say to get laid.
The first is the unicorn, the one we all want. He is completely single and has worked on his issues enough to be self aware. He is over his ex and he has practiced communication skills. He’s not perfect, but he has a big heart and he won’t lead you on or ghost you after two weeks of sharing all the basics about himself with you. He’ll stay. He’ll fall in love with you. I have not found this one yet. He’s probably – no, definitely – not on dating apps.
The second, and most common, is the man who will say all the beautiful things. He will talk about the future with you, he will tell you that you set his soul on fire. He will move fast and he will let you believe you are the center of the universe. When you say you want a long-term, committed relationship, he will agree, he wants that too. He will allow romance to pour out of him with every word. Your chemistry will be intense. And the sex will be passionate and hot, if a little frantic. Maybe this will last a few months. But eventually, when you start to hope and you start to really like him, he will decide he’s just not ready for a relationship yet. He will say he is confused and doesn’t know what he wants. That he doesn’t want to put labels on it. He will probably say all these confusing things after going completely dark on you for several days and you push him for some communication. I wish I could say it won’t hurt when he does this, but it will. And then you’ll spend two weeks crying and reading about attachment styles and learning what avoidant and anxious styles are. And then you’ll wipe your tears and move on.
The third, unfortunately, is amazing. He is gentle and kind, he wants a committed relationship. You’ll have so much in common. He will have all the qualities you want in a partner and can see him as a husband. Unfortuately you will discover you see him as husband material and then he’ll reveal that’s because he is either still married and working on a divorce, or he is still living with his ex, or he is recently divorced and has no idea who he is outside his marriage/long-term relationship. His feelings will be genuine. Unfortunately, he will not be ready for you. He’ll see all the unhealed parts of him that he must face to be with a woman like you, who has done the work and can take care of herself. He might really love you, but in loving you he will see how difficult it is going to be to extract himself from his current situation, and he will either run back to his wife/long-term partner, or admit he is still very much married and has no intention of leaving regardless how broken the marriage is and how unhappy they both are. And you’ll end up in therapy because you never wanted to be the other woman and you’re crushed that someone could be so careless with two women’s hearts at the same time, and you will question your own sanity for ever believing a single word that came out of his mouth.
The fourth will give you warning signs right away, and you might explain them away, because you still have hope you’ll find man number one, or you’re still healing from men numbers two and three. His ex is a bitch. She ruined his life and for absolutely no reason because he is totally a good guy who is just misunderstood. I am shocked at how many of these men are teachers, but that’s a story for another blog post. Mr. Red Flag will be super nice and interesting, and you’ll sense a dark side that intrigues you. But then he’s always bashing on his ex. And then he’ll show a few more red flags, like acting super upset if you don’t text back right away, or become moody about anything that might be an obstacle to you two being together, like distance or kids’ schedules, or your job. Ladies, this man is an abuser and you are his next victim. If he is constantly bashing the mother of his children, or he acts controlling or jealous after one or two dates, RUN. Ghost, block, and do NOT feel bad for doing so. You will be next on the list of women he has seriously harmed.
You’re going to try all of them on. Some of them fit better than others. Some will stay for a while, some will leave right away. And after meeting all these men, maybe seeing a future with a few of them, you might still have hope. Enough of them will abruptly break your heart that you’ll give up. Because dating is for the young and starry eyed. It is not for the tired, jaded, cynical dreamers who just want a story book romance that lasts and have no idea where to find it, or why true love seems to be for everyone else. They say love finds you when you stop looking for it. So maybe he’s still out there, man number one, healing himself and hoping for a woman exactly like you. And maybe he doesn’t exist and we’re all just wounded, scarred little children who are doomed to hurt each other over and over again until we’re so sick of the opposite sex that we give up completely.
Most of all, you’ll end up spending a lot of time facing all your own unhealed parts and exactly what dysfunction you bring to relationships, and you’ll have to continue working on yourself…alone.
Full and Unfinished 
Leave a comment